The Fuerst Shall Be Last’s Weblog

Well, I guess the I don’t have to worry about the Phoebus being a Cubs fan! That’s right, folks, in the following story I will demonstrate that my daughter has a healthy disdain for all things Cubbies…and probably all things Illinois (sorry to Rachel, Josh, and Brenda).

The small triad knowns as the Fuerst family travelled from Wilmore, Kentucky to Fulton, Missouri early last month. The trip, if you know your geography, took us through the southern part of Indiana (blessed be Larry Bird) and the purtrid, monotonous, wastebasket known as Illinois.

I know, I know, many of your wonder, “What could be worse than driving through Illinois?” Well, I’ve got it – the sucktastic experience of driving through Illinois could only get suckier by travelling through Illinois SLOWER THAN THE EARLIEST AMERICAN SETTLERS! In other words, we encountered a traffic jam. Apparently the blessed State of Illinois decided Memorial Day weekend was the best time to start an interstate rejuvenating program.

So anyway, the Phoebus is quite good at sleeping during these long trips from KY to Missouri, but the stank of Illinois combined with the break-neck pace at which we were travelling through there apparently kept her awake.

She screamed for nearly the entire state…bloody murder, fighting mad, red-faced, OMG we’re gonna be stuck here forever kind of screaming.

All at once, she let out a huge, juicy, wet diaper dandy – AND WE WERE STILL IN THE TRAFFIC JAM!

Luckily we were relatively close to a truck stop. We pulled in there only to find out that the bathrooms were probably dirtier than the Phoebus’s diaper.

So, in good ole hick fashion, the wife and I changed the Phoebus, in 60 degree whether on the trunk of our car. B/c she had defiled her entire outfit (nay, the entire state of Illinois!), we had to strip her down naked. We, no doubt, confirmed what our lisence plate says – We’re from Kentucky!

The stanky mess was so bad it took both of us to clean her up and we’re pretty sure Illinois has not yet recovered.

So, as it turns out, the Phoebus is not a Cubs fan, hates Illinois like I do, and will not stop until she lets the entire state know that it is defiled and worthless.