The Sayings of a Daddy Sage series is a collection of random quotes out of my mouth that probably made sense in their original context, but removed from that context are hilarious…and senseless.
“The road to not chewing your own food runs right through a motor scooter.”
Setting: Phoebe has been throwing a fit, screaming, “Mommy, mommy, mommy” for a number of minutes.
Mommy: You know you have another parent, Phoebe. Daddy is also your parent. You could scream for him.
Phoebe: (look of realization comes over her) NNNNNOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
Daddy: You don’t want me to be your daddy, honey?
Phoebe: (pure anger in her eyes) NNNNNNOOOOOO!!!!!!!
Daddy: Well who do you want your daddy to be?
Phoebe: Mommy!!!!!
Daddy: Sorry, dear, but I’m pretty sure that’s biologically impossible.
Phoebe: NNNNNOOOOOO!!!!!!
Daddy: Would you like for (Curious) George to be your daddy?
Phoebe: No.
Daddy: How about Boots (Dora the Explorer’s sidekick)?
Phoebe: (initially she begins to say ‘no’, but then a contemplative look comes over her face) YESSSSSS!!!
Daddy: Good luck convincing mommy of that one.
It seems that I have lost paternal rights to a sidekick monkey. It’s probably because he wears cooler shoes than me.
“A napless daughter is a bane to your existence. It’s probably better just to put a pen in your own eye.” (I’m sure that’s in Proverbs somewhere.)
Daddy: Phoebe, that’s a California Condor.
Phoebe: Ooooohhhhhh.
Daddy: Do you know what sound a Condor makes?
Phoebe: (silence)
Daddy: Do you know what sound an endangered species makes?
Phoebe: Owwww.
Daddy: Couldn’t have said it better myself
Phoebe: Mommasajewmommasajewmommasajew.
Daddy: Phoebe, what in the world are you jabbering about, dear? I can’t understand what you’re saying.
Phoebe: Momma’s a Jew.
Daddy: Um. No, honey, Momma’s not a Jew.
Phoebe: I’m a Jew.
Daddy: No, Phoebe, you’re not a Jew either.
G-pa: Phoebe, your little brother’s a Jew. We are going to have a bar-mitzva for him today. He’s 12 weeks old.
Momma: I think we’re supposed to wait until he’s 12 years old.
Daddy: Hmmm. Cassie’s got a point about the bar-mitzva, but G-pa does bring up a good point about Tommy being a Jew.
Momma and G-ma and Gpa: ?????????????????
Daddy: He was circumcised, after all.
Momma: True. Poor guy. It’s just now getting all healed up.
G-pa: All the more reason to throw him a bar-mitva!
Daddy: Phoebe, do you know what the Tetragrammaton is?
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Silence.
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Looks confusedly at daddy.
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Nose running with snot.
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Slowly turns to mommy.
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Phoebe: What did he just say?
“No, Phoebe, unfortunately you can’t trust everything you hear at the Creation Museum. In fact, you probably can’t trust any of it.”
“Phoebe, if you’re going to hit someone in the face, make sure it’s yourself yourself…..ouch!!!!!”
